Timid Weakling or Anxiety?
A simple request was asked of me by a little neighbor girl. " Will you say the opening prayer at my baptism?" My initial thought was to say no,because I can't feel my lips move when I try to speak in the presence of more than 5 people. But, another side of me said...'it's outside of your comfort zone yes, but you're an adult and it's kinda sweet that she thought of you'...so I said yes.
The baptism was today which means at about 3 am I woke up, because I had been dreaming that I was late and there was no one to say the prayer. So now that my midnight brain was a awake I thought I would be smart and plan ahead what I might say and spent the rest of the night wording my future prayer.
I would say things like " bless us as we try our best to follow Christs loving example of charity and compassion for all walks of life."
I got up a little after 7 and put on my new full length turquoise dress. I noticed a new zit on my cheek...stress related I'm sure.I woke up Kate,who is attached at the hip to the neighbor girl and we headed to the church. I was nervous, but still fine. Until we started singing the prelude song, I felt myself starting to loose control of my voice, I could hardly sing it was shaking so bad and so was the rest of me. I start walking toward the pulpit at the head of the chapel, I don't look out at the congregation, my foot gets caught in my long dress as I walk up the stairs but I don't trip. I bow my head and start to speak, I can hear that I have a frog in my throat and my voice doesn't sound like it belongs to me.I swallow, the frog remains. I'm distracted now and I hear myself say the word " grapeful" instead of grateful and I'm thrown off track even more. All pre-planned words have left me. My voice is shaking and my knees feel weak so I hurry up and close the prayer but there is no relief. I head back to sit with Kate and I'm just shaking. Nerves shot. What the heck is wrong with me?
Later I socialize and munch on refreshments with friends. But I'm done. I want to go home. I relay my ineptitude at all things public to Jon and head to our room. My chest hurts from shallow breathing and a pounding heart. I strip off my dress and fill the sink with water, I've completely soaked the pits through and have to hand wash the darling thing. Then I crash. I fall into bed and don't move for a good hour. I feel normalcy return. So I head out to water my garden all the while wondering if I am the weakest creature on the planet.
I am an introvert, but I don't know if this level of stress over 60 seconds of using my voice in front of a crowd is normal even for they most reserved. My inclination is to not subject myself to situations I know will have this affect on me. Set boundaries for myself. Or is that just a different way of saying...never leave my comfort zone again. Will I be denying myself growth or sparing myself the toll of accepting anxiety causing requests? Don't know. At this moment in time I don't feel that I grew, but I don't regret conceding to a thoughtful request either. I believe I have some sort of anxiety issue. It creeps up in more situations than public speaking. I feel it often. I mediate in the morning to will my brain in to a state of peace, otherwise my thoughts and fears can be debilitating. Brain chemistry? Personality type? Disorder? Life?
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| Brooke and a little fairy house she discovered at our neighborhood park. |
The baptism was today which means at about 3 am I woke up, because I had been dreaming that I was late and there was no one to say the prayer. So now that my midnight brain was a awake I thought I would be smart and plan ahead what I might say and spent the rest of the night wording my future prayer.
I would say things like " bless us as we try our best to follow Christs loving example of charity and compassion for all walks of life."
I got up a little after 7 and put on my new full length turquoise dress. I noticed a new zit on my cheek...stress related I'm sure.I woke up Kate,who is attached at the hip to the neighbor girl and we headed to the church. I was nervous, but still fine. Until we started singing the prelude song, I felt myself starting to loose control of my voice, I could hardly sing it was shaking so bad and so was the rest of me. I start walking toward the pulpit at the head of the chapel, I don't look out at the congregation, my foot gets caught in my long dress as I walk up the stairs but I don't trip. I bow my head and start to speak, I can hear that I have a frog in my throat and my voice doesn't sound like it belongs to me.I swallow, the frog remains. I'm distracted now and I hear myself say the word " grapeful" instead of grateful and I'm thrown off track even more. All pre-planned words have left me. My voice is shaking and my knees feel weak so I hurry up and close the prayer but there is no relief. I head back to sit with Kate and I'm just shaking. Nerves shot. What the heck is wrong with me?
Later I socialize and munch on refreshments with friends. But I'm done. I want to go home. I relay my ineptitude at all things public to Jon and head to our room. My chest hurts from shallow breathing and a pounding heart. I strip off my dress and fill the sink with water, I've completely soaked the pits through and have to hand wash the darling thing. Then I crash. I fall into bed and don't move for a good hour. I feel normalcy return. So I head out to water my garden all the while wondering if I am the weakest creature on the planet.
I am an introvert, but I don't know if this level of stress over 60 seconds of using my voice in front of a crowd is normal even for they most reserved. My inclination is to not subject myself to situations I know will have this affect on me. Set boundaries for myself. Or is that just a different way of saying...never leave my comfort zone again. Will I be denying myself growth or sparing myself the toll of accepting anxiety causing requests? Don't know. At this moment in time I don't feel that I grew, but I don't regret conceding to a thoughtful request either. I believe I have some sort of anxiety issue. It creeps up in more situations than public speaking. I feel it often. I mediate in the morning to will my brain in to a state of peace, otherwise my thoughts and fears can be debilitating. Brain chemistry? Personality type? Disorder? Life?
 |
| No anxiety here, Just Kate and a discovered fairy house. |
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