I am with out a doubt a home body. Home is where my body likes to be. When I leave for all the many reasons life requires, it's not long before I'm feeling a pull towards home again... like 2 hours max. I remember cajoling my new husband to take me out for some reason and once we were there for a few minuets, announcing my desire to head back home. " I thought you said you wanted to get out of the house?" "I did...mission accomplished let's go home." I don't remember if discovering this strange quality in his new wife annoyed him or not, but he gets me now...or at least respects my out and about time limits.
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| About to head out on a date with Jon. We went to a work concert and left 15 min after arriving. |
I've been reflecting on what a homebody like myself can do to contribute to the world. I'm pretty sure that the purpose of life is to love one another. And I do love others. I am hopelessly in love with Jon. My daughters are like pieces of my own heart that I've dedicated my life to caring for. But others...non-family people that I don't know, opening my heart to those people has me in a bit quandary. In theory, I love everybody. If someone at the store says" excuse me, could you help me?" I will say yes before I even know what they might ask. This isn't bragging because this people pleaser side of me has gotten me in trouble before. I am not assertive at all and don't like to disappoint people. Even strangers. What is it about me that wants to help and please and love others,but never wants to be around them?
I am very effected by people. I've had experiences where a person will say or do something hurtful to a group that I am a part of and I can see other people in the group shake it off. I don't. I internalize it, re-live it. And cry. You will also find me crying over old men getting emotional on war documentaries, proud fathers cheering for their daughters on The Voice and maybe...just once...a dog food commercial.
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| Wash cloths that I crocheted for loved ones this Christmas. I spent hours on the couch in my robe...good times. |
How can I love people, serve them and help make the world a better place without breaking my own heart? Or without draining myself physically and emotionally. If being in a crowd makes me want to buy a 400 acre farm in Montana...how am I supposed to serve my fellow man? Every time I think of what kind of a job I might want in the future, the hold up in my mind is often how much peopling will be required of me (and math).
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| Freezing weather only exacerbates my home body nature. I suck it up for the sake of my family and never regret it. |
I have no resolution. At least not yet. For now, I will love my family and embrace my love of solitude. Maybe someday I will find a happy medium between giving of myself to others and honoring my introvert spirit. Or I will buy a farm.
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Christmas morning 2016. Just us. Just the way I like it.
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