Toothless

Turning 35 actually felt different...different than twenty five for sure but even different from 34. I really paused and looked at my life and how quickly it seems to be flying by. I'm mid thirties. My youth is a thing of the past, but I'm not old. I thought of interests that I have that I haven't taken the time to pursue, like writing and painting and decided to just do it more often... become a self taught water-colorist with the help of YouTube. And write, for myself because I like to, not because I'm amazing at it but because I like the way it feels to put words together and to make a record of my life. 

The other day I sat down with my newly purchased pallet of paints and made horrible art. It was deflating to realize that the last time I really worked out my artistic muscles I was a teen...and so that is where my skill level remains. And even then I was mediocre. But I felt that moment of flow that happens when you are caught up doing something you truly enjoy, where time becomes non existent and you are just content. So I will keep on painting and maybe, just maybe someday I won't suck anymore. 

This year was one that I have dreaded for quite some time. All 3 of my daughters would be in school full time...and I would...what? Go back to school, work part-time, be lonely?  Now that I have been living this phase of life for a few months I wonder what was I so afraid of? I have more freedom than I have had in years and I had forgotten one very important aspect of my personality. I crave solitude. I had to sacrifice peace and quite and most of my alone time as a full time Mom and now I have it back. And it is rejuvenating. I am not lonely or unproductive. And if I choose to get a part time job or go back to school, I can. Although I've found that I am still very much needed and I guess a part of me was worried that that would no longer be the case. I have been here taking care of sick kids for several weeks. 

I am able to have time with just one child at home who wanted me to snuggle on the couch while watching food truck shows and I felt privileged.  I do know that it is a privilege to be able to have this choice to be home. I also teach art once a month for Morgans 6th grade class and that has been so much fun and very rewarding. I've been on field trips and help with class parties, I'm involved but not daily and I like it that way. 

For my gift to myself this year I had that ever growing mole on my chin removed. It hurt more than I expected and now I'm hoping the scar heals ok and that I didn't just butcher my face for vanity. 

Also in happenings of late, Kate has been loosing teeth left and right. Her smile with those 2 front teeth missing just makes me want kiss her face all day. She's still little and I want to relish in as much of her adorable 7 year old-ness as I can. 

Today is cold, smoggy, foggy and I can see toxic flurries in the air. It's a three day weekend and I think I need to get out of here. I need to feel the sun on my face and be warm. This post was a hodgepodge of thoughts...so I'm not even going to try to tie it up nice and tidy at the end...I'm just going to post these ramblings and start looking for a hotel down south. I just got a little thrill a the idea of warmer, happier weather!  Let's go!